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Happy Birthday

Posted on 2008.07.09 at 08:40
i feel...: melancholymelancholy
Today is my mom's birthday. Dad, Josh and I are going to Point Lobos to spread some of her ashes. My dad has been having a really hard time the past few days... today especially. I'm holding up pretty good... but we'll see what happens when I'm actually out spreading her ashes.

Happy birthday Mommy. We love you. We miss you.


an update on shawna...

Posted on 2008.07.01 at 08:33
where i am...: san bruno, ca
i feel...: calmcalm
so i realized that i really haven't been updating on this at all and have been more voyeuristic with my live journal lately... that is, only reading about other peoples lives and not sharing anything about mine. sooooooo.... i'll give you an update.

i met and started dating tony back in march and we haven't spent too much time apart since. we are planning on moving in together somewhere in or closer to san francisco in late september. it's nice to not be depressed and lonely every day. i'm finally happy, and the best part is... so is he. :) we can get pretty mushy and gross and make other people want to throw up a little... haha... which is fun... and we've been told multiple times by multiple people that we sound like an old married couple, which we take as a compliment.

my brother stabbed himself in the hand while cutting bait for fishing in santa cruz and ended up severing a tendon that moved his thumb, so he had to get surgery done to repair the tendon. he still can't use his left hand for much because he's still recovering, but he goes to physical therapy once a week, i think, and the 3 spots that he had stitches look almost completely healed.

went to cottonwood for my little cousin's high school graduation and spent the day after getting sloshed on a party barge on lake shasta... ahhhh... good times. later that night we drove to chico and went to a casino where i proceeded to lose a bunch of my brother's money... lame.

work blows, and my boss is a complete idiot... she wonder's why i don't listen to her, but it's mostly because there are several things that she does wrong, and when i try to correct her, she doesn't listen to me. she keeps telling me that she's going to have me do all these things to run the store to get me ready to have my own store, but she ends up doing everything herself (and screwing it up half the time)... i think it's because she doesn't want to give up her power over the store, and she doesn't think i can really run the store as well as she does, which is funny, because i run the store better than she does... that was proven in january when she left for a week and we had our best week of business while she was gone. i'm beginning to think that i either need a new job, or a new store. i work at crazy 8 in serramonte today, that should be interesting... all in all, i'm sick of retail, but i have no experience doing anything else, so i feel trapped.

my mom's birthday is in a few days. i need to get it off because my dad and brother are going to point lobos... mother's day wasn't too hard for me, but i had tony there for support and that helped a lot. hopefully her birthday won't be too difficult. my dad is having a really hard time. on top of losing mom, his best friend cal passed away at the beginning of this month. his wife and my dad have been exchanging emails of support, which i think helps a little, but he's not doing too well... even though he tries to make it look like he is.

i think that's about it for now... until next time... whenever that may be...


AIDS Walk San Francisco 2008

Posted on 2008.06.06 at 07:03
where i am...: san jose, ca
i feel...: accomplishedaccomplished
This is my third year at the AIDS Walk. My first year I succeeded in raising an amazing $1030 which was amazing. Last year, I raised my goal and made it to a total of $1500. This year, I have raised my goal once again to $2000 dollars. Each year I have made my goal, but it wasn't without the help of you guys... my friends... my family and the fine people at the grand dell saloon who come to my annual AIDS Walk BBQ. Please help me in my efforts to support this worthy cause.



P.S. If you would like to donate but cannot do so online you can also send a check, they can be made out to AIDS Walk San Francisco and mailed to my home address.

***Further details to come soon reguarding the AIDS Walk BBQ if you are interested in going***


7/9/1962 to 4/12/2008 loving mother and wife

Posted on 2008.04.12 at 05:28
i feel...: numblost
i'll miss you mom... more than anyone could ever even begin to imagine. i'll always love you more than you know, i wish i could have gotten a chance to see your smiling face and hear your laugh one more time.

rest in peace
and may we meet again someday.


update on mom

Posted on 2008.01.24 at 20:46
i feel...: relievedrelieved
so, my mom got out of her procedure today at around 12:30. the doctor doing tha angeogram (sp?) ended up finding an artery on the left side that was 90% blocked and put a stint in, as well as one on the right that was 70-80% blocked and put a stint in that one also. she has a few other arteries that are blocked around 40-50%, but for that they can treat it with medicine. she is doing a lot better. she will most likely get to come home tomorrow. she appears to be in good spirits, but really misses her puppies, and wants to come home.


mom is in the hospital

Posted on 2008.01.24 at 07:39
i feel...: worriedworried
so, as some of you may know, if you read my blogs consistantly, my mom has been having chest pains and was supposed to go in for a cardiac cathedar last friday. you may also know that, that procedure got pushed back to this coming friday. so now here's what has happened yesterday. my mom went to kaiser to pick up a doctor's note for all of the work she has been missing. the nurse who was getting the note for her noticed that she didn't look very good and asked her how she was feeling. my mom told the nurse about everything that had been going on and that she took 2 nitroglycerin pills that morning but was still having chest pains. the nurse asked what the doctors told her to do if that happened, and my mom said that they told her she should go to the E.R. the nurse offered to escort her across the street to where the emergency room was located.

shortly after being admitted at kaiser, a cardiologist came in, took a look at her and told her that they would be transporting her by ambulance to good samaritan hospital, where kaiser does all of their heart procedures, to have her cardiac cathedar. we all waited for a while in the basement at the cardiac lab, but were eventually told that the procedure was going to be held off until the morning. my mom was settled into a room in the ICU and now i am waiting for the call letting us know what time the procedure will be taking place.

i'm worried about her. all i can do is hope that everything goes smoothly and this procedure does something to relieve all of the chest pains she has been having. she doesn't seem to be scared at all, she is enjoying the morphine and valium they have been giving her. she still has her sense of humor which is good. well... time to go get ready for another day of sitting around good sam.

i'll tell the story of how i got security called on me at the hospital last night, later... ha.


this is no good...

Posted on 2008.01.16 at 03:52
i feel...: worriedworried
so i found out yesterday that my mom will be going into the hospital on friday (my birthday) to have a cardiac cathedar... basically, it's like a roto-rooter for your arteries. in the event that they find a worse blockage than they expected, she may need angeoplasty and stints put into her heart, in which case she will stay over night in the hospital.

now, as some of you know, william got me tickets to see cirque. kate is coming too... we're going to dinner before wth flint and lauren, and partying at my hotel room at the W hotel after. i had also planned on breakfast and going to see 27 dresses on saturday. pretty big plans, all of which are located in san francisco... an hour away from my mom.

my mom and my dad both say that everything will be fine and i have nothing to worry about and that it's a out patient procedure and mom will be fine. i just don't see how i can have a carefree good time this weekend knowing my mom is in the hospital and that she's having minor heart surgery.



Posted on 2008.01.02 at 06:44
i feel...: crappycrappy
i wonder how many journals i've written over the past few years have the title "ugh"...

i suppose it's because there are many times when i'm just in a angry-frustrated-irritated-sad-lonely-overwhelmed-nothing mood... and nothing really describes that as well as "ugh".

i really don't have anything to say. i woke up at 6:00am today. i don't have to work til 11:00. i'm closing tonight and tomorrow, opening friday and saturday. inventory is sunday.

i haven't been looking for a place to live lately because starting the new job and the holidays were just too stressful... and now that that's over, i need to find a new excuse to not look... perhaps after my birthday, when things calm down at work.

i still need to find a co-signer for my student loans so i can go to school... probably should do that before the month is over.

i miss kate. i talked to her last night on the way home from work, she's coming home today.

i have decided to pretty much give up in other areas of my life... first and foremost, trying to find companionship and love. i know better than anyone that it usually doesn't work when you go out looking for it... and once you stop looking, it just may find you. unfortunately... knowing that doesn't make me feel any less lonely.

16 days until my birthday...i have to say... 22 was almost... in it's entirety... a wasted year.



so...it's new year's eve...

Posted on 2007.12.31 at 13:00
i feel...: apatheticapathetic
here's what 2007 was like for me...

i quit my job at target
i started my job at tourneau
i celebrated 22 years of life in san francisco, san jose and new york city

watched jeremy and angela and josh and johana get married
got cock-blocked by the ocean in santa cruz
was alone and sad on valentine's day

started my phoenix back piece
celebrated st. patrick's day at "shamrock-a-palooza" at ally's apartment in the city
danny turned 22
saw eric claptain with mom and dad
danny came home for spring break

danny went back to new york
alex and ryan turned 22
went to pioneer dance team's spring show
my students danced at great america

fiesta fest on cinco de mayo at ally's in the city
went to an AIDS walk kick off thing with chad
quit my job at tourneau
started my job at cost plus
got a new car (maggie)
watched my best friend kate graduate from sonoma state with a double major

added a new puppy (ruby) to the family
mom and dad's 25th anniversary
dad's 48th birthday
went to san jose pride
saw charlie daniel's band with the fam
raised 1500$ for S.F. AIDS walk
attended my last recital as a teacher and dancer for the studio i grew up in
saw fall out boy with kate

went to the boardwalk with heather
mom turned 45
went to my 2nd AIDS walk
kate turned 22
attended a housewarming party for the hanlon family

went to the hanlon's 2nd house warming
saw avenue Q with mom and dad

celebrated heather's birthday in santa cruz
said goodbye to ally
went to the almaden art and wine festival
went to the steve miller concert, but passed out in the middle
made a great new friend
introduced william to the beauty of point lobos

saw the cure with william
ally stopped talking to me
went to san diego to visit charleigh
went to the state of grace tattoo convention
dressed as a pirate for halloween
decided to change my life; go back to school and move to the city

put bright red streaks in my hair
toured Academy of Art
went to the "so you think you can dance tour" with mom and dad
saw fall out boy with my dad (that was interesting)
found out that i had scoliosis
celebrated thanksgiving with family and friends... and drank too much
ally turned 22

quit my job at cost plus
started my job at gymboree
josh turned 25
saw the color purple with josh and heather
sara turned 23
registered for my college classes for summer and fall of '08 at AAU

things to look forward to in the coming year:
celebrating 23 years of living
seeing cirque du soleil with william and kate
moving to san francisco
going back to school

i will most likely be spending new year's eve alone... 2007 had it's ups and downs... over all i suppose it was more good than bad, hopefully 2008 will bring me love, health and happiness...or at the very least some independence and a change of scenery.


i got this from a blog i read everyday... thanks random.

Posted on 2007.12.31 at 11:07
i feel...: lonelylonely
"What does love mean?" as answered by 4-to-8-year-olds.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me
and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget."
Jessica - age 8

" Love is light, but I can't tell what love is." - Random's son. :)

kids are amazing. when everything in the world seems to be going wrong and you're depressed and lonely, i've found that you can always find comfort in the heart of a child. they're so innocent and pure. i am amazed every day at their genuine kindness, and their ability to find even the smallest things to be the most amazing things in the world.

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