my life

Happy Birthday

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:46:46 GMT

Today is my mom's birthday. Dad, Josh and I are going to Point Lobos to spread some of her ashes. My dad has been having a really hard time the past few days... today especially. I'm holding up pretty good... but we'll see what happens when I'm actually out spreading her ashes.

Happy birthday Mommy. We love you. We miss you.

an update on shawna...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:55:44 GMT

so i realized that i really haven't been updating on this at all and have been more voyeuristic with my live journal lately... that is, only reading about other peoples lives and not sharing anything about mine. sooooooo.... i'll give you an update.

i met and started dating tony back in march and we haven't spent too much time apart since. we are planning on moving in together somewhere in or closer to san francisco in late september. it's nice to not be depressed and lonely every day. i'm finally happy, and the best part is... so is he. :) we can get pretty mushy and gross and make other people want to throw up a little... haha... which is fun... and we've been told multiple times by multiple people that we sound like an old married couple, which we take as a compliment.

my brother stabbed himself in the hand while cutting bait for fishing in santa cruz and ended up severing a tendon that moved his thumb, so he had to get surgery done to repair the tendon. he still can't use his left hand for much because he's still recovering, but he goes to physical therapy once a week, i think, and the 3 spots that he had stitches look almost completely healed.

went to cottonwood for my little cousin's high school graduation and spent the day after getting sloshed on a party barge on lake shasta... ahhhh... good times. later that night we drove to chico and went to a casino where i proceeded to lose a bunch of my brother's money... lame.

work blows, and my boss is a complete idiot... she wonder's why i don't listen to her, but it's mostly because there are several things that she does wrong, and when i try to correct her, she doesn't listen to me. she keeps telling me that she's going to have me do all these things to run the store to get me ready to have my own store, but she ends up doing everything herself (and screwing it up half the time)... i think it's because she doesn't want to give up her power over the store, and she doesn't think i can really run the store as well as she does, which is funny, because i run the store better than she does... that was proven in january when she left for a week and we had our best week of business while she was gone. i'm beginning to think that i either need a new job, or a new store. i work at crazy 8 in serramonte today, that should be interesting... all in all, i'm sick of retail, but i have no experience doing anything else, so i feel trapped.

my mom's birthday is in a few days. i need to get it off because my dad and brother are going to point lobos... mother's day wasn't too hard for me, but i had tony there for support and that helped a lot. hopefully her birthday won't be too difficult. my dad is having a really hard time. on top of losing mom, his best friend cal passed away at the beginning of this month. his wife and my dad have been exchanging emails of support, which i think helps a little, but he's not doing too well... even though he tries to make it look like he is.

i think that's about it for now... until next time... whenever that may be...

AIDS Walk San Francisco 2008

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:04:42 GMT

This is my third year at the AIDS Walk. My first year I succeeded in raising an amazing $1030 which was amazing. Last year, I raised my goal and made it to a total of $1500. This year, I have raised my goal once again to $2000 dollars. Each year I have made my goal, but it wasn't without the help of you guys... my friends... my family and the fine people at the grand dell saloon who come to my annual AIDS Walk BBQ. Please help me in my efforts to support this worthy cause.

http://aidswalksanfrancisco2008.kintera.org/shawnamcdonnell

Thanks,
Shawna

P.S. If you would like to donate but cannot do so online you can also send a check, they can be made out to AIDS Walk San Francisco and mailed to my home address.

***Further details to come soon reguarding the AIDS Walk BBQ if you are interested in going***

7/9/1962 to 4/12/2008 loving mother and wife

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 12:29:12 GMT

i'll miss you mom... more than anyone could ever even begin to imagine. i'll always love you more than you know, i wish i could have gotten a chance to see your smiling face and hear your laugh one more time.

rest in peace
and may we meet again someday.

update on mom

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 04:46:33 GMT

so, my mom got out of her procedure today at around 12:30. the doctor doing tha angeogram (sp?) ended up finding an artery on the left side that was 90% blocked and put a stint in, as well as one on the right that was 70-80% blocked and put a stint in that one also. she has a few other arteries that are blocked around 40-50%, but for that they can treat it with medicine. she is doing a lot better. she will most likely get to come home tomorrow. she appears to be in good spirits, but really misses her puppies, and wants to come home.

mom is in the hospital

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:50:08 GMT

so, as some of you may know, if you read my blogs consistantly, my mom has been having chest pains and was supposed to go in for a cardiac cathedar last friday. you may also know that, that procedure got pushed back to this coming friday. so now here's what has happened yesterday. my mom went to kaiser to pick up a doctor's note for all of the work she has been missing. the nurse who was getting the note for her noticed that she didn't look very good and asked her how she was feeling. my mom told the nurse about everything that had been going on and that she took 2 nitroglycerin pills that morning but was still having chest pains. the nurse asked what the doctors told her to do if that happened, and my mom said that they told her she should go to the E.R. the nurse offered to escort her across the street to where the emergency room was located.

shortly after being admitted at kaiser, a cardiologist came in, took a look at her and told her that they would be transporting her by ambulance to good samaritan hospital, where kaiser does all of their heart procedures, to have her cardiac cathedar. we all waited for a while in the basement at the cardiac lab, but were eventually told that the procedure was going to be held off until the morning. my mom was settled into a room in the ICU and now i am waiting for the call letting us know what time the procedure will be taking place.

i'm worried about her. all i can do is hope that everything goes smoothly and this procedure does something to relieve all of the chest pains she has been having. she doesn't seem to be scared at all, she is enjoying the morphine and valium they have been giving her. she still has her sense of humor which is good. well... time to go get ready for another day of sitting around good sam.

i'll tell the story of how i got security called on me at the hospital last night, later... ha.

this is no good...

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:58:38 GMT

so i found out yesterday that my mom will be going into the hospital on friday (my birthday) to have a cardiac cathedar... basically, it's like a roto-rooter for your arteries. in the event that they find a worse blockage than they expected, she may need angeoplasty and stints put into her heart, in which case she will stay over night in the hospital.

now, as some of you know, william got me tickets to see cirque. kate is coming too... we're going to dinner before wth flint and lauren, and partying at my hotel room at the W hotel after. i had also planned on breakfast and going to see 27 dresses on saturday. pretty big plans, all of which are located in san francisco... an hour away from my mom.

my mom and my dad both say that everything will be fine and i have nothing to worry about and that it's a out patient procedure and mom will be fine. i just don't see how i can have a carefree good time this weekend knowing my mom is in the hospital and that she's having minor heart surgery.

ugh

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:58:13 GMT

i wonder how many journals i've written over the past few years have the title "ugh"...

i suppose it's because there are many times when i'm just in a angry-frustrated-irritated-sad-lonely-overwhelmed-nothing mood... and nothing really describes that as well as "ugh".

i really don't have anything to say. i woke up at 6:00am today. i don't have to work til 11:00. i'm closing tonight and tomorrow, opening friday and saturday. inventory is sunday.

i haven't been looking for a place to live lately because starting the new job and the holidays were just too stressful... and now that that's over, i need to find a new excuse to not look... perhaps after my birthday, when things calm down at work.

i still need to find a co-signer for my student loans so i can go to school... probably should do that before the month is over.

i miss kate. i talked to her last night on the way home from work, she's coming home today.

i have decided to pretty much give up in other areas of my life... first and foremost, trying to find companionship and love. i know better than anyone that it usually doesn't work when you go out looking for it... and once you stop looking, it just may find you. unfortunately... knowing that doesn't make me feel any less lonely.

16 days until my birthday...i have to say... 22 was almost... in it's entirety... a wasted year.

...ugh...

so...it's new year's eve...

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 21:31:15 GMT

here's what 2007 was like for me...

january:
i quit my job at target
i started my job at tourneau
i celebrated 22 years of life in san francisco, san jose and new york city

february:
watched jeremy and angela and josh and johana get married
got cock-blocked by the ocean in santa cruz
was alone and sad on valentine's day

march:
started my phoenix back piece
celebrated st. patrick's day at "shamrock-a-palooza" at ally's apartment in the city
danny turned 22
saw eric claptain with mom and dad
danny came home for spring break

april:
danny went back to new york
alex and ryan turned 22
went to pioneer dance team's spring show
my students danced at great america

may:
fiesta fest on cinco de mayo at ally's in the city
went to an AIDS walk kick off thing with chad
quit my job at tourneau
started my job at cost plus
got a new car (maggie)
watched my best friend kate graduate from sonoma state with a double major

june:
added a new puppy (ruby) to the family
mom and dad's 25th anniversary
dad's 48th birthday
went to san jose pride
saw charlie daniel's band with the fam
raised 1500$ for S.F. AIDS walk
attended my last recital as a teacher and dancer for the studio i grew up in
saw fall out boy with kate

july:
went to the boardwalk with heather
mom turned 45
went to my 2nd AIDS walk
kate turned 22
attended a housewarming party for the hanlon family

august:
went to the hanlon's 2nd house warming
saw avenue Q with mom and dad

september:
celebrated heather's birthday in santa cruz
said goodbye to ally
went to the almaden art and wine festival
went to the steve miller concert, but passed out in the middle
made a great new friend
introduced william to the beauty of point lobos

october:
saw the cure with william
ally stopped talking to me
went to san diego to visit charleigh
went to the state of grace tattoo convention
dressed as a pirate for halloween
decided to change my life; go back to school and move to the city

november:
put bright red streaks in my hair
toured Academy of Art
went to the "so you think you can dance tour" with mom and dad
saw fall out boy with my dad (that was interesting)
found out that i had scoliosis
celebrated thanksgiving with family and friends... and drank too much
ally turned 22

december:
quit my job at cost plus
started my job at gymboree
josh turned 25
saw the color purple with josh and heather
sara turned 23
registered for my college classes for summer and fall of '08 at AAU

things to look forward to in the coming year:
celebrating 23 years of living
seeing cirque du soleil with william and kate
moving to san francisco
going back to school

i will most likely be spending new year's eve alone... 2007 had it's ups and downs... over all i suppose it was more good than bad, hopefully 2008 will bring me love, health and happiness...or at the very least some independence and a change of scenery.

i got this from a blog i read everyday... thanks random.

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 19:11:29 GMT

"What does love mean?" as answered by 4-to-8-year-olds.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me
and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget."
Jessica - age 8

" Love is light, but I can't tell what love is." - Random's son. :)

kids are amazing. when everything in the world seems to be going wrong and you're depressed and lonely, i've found that you can always find comfort in the heart of a child. they're so innocent and pure. i am amazed every day at their genuine kindness, and their ability to find even the smallest things to be the most amazing things in the world.

ick...

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:28:25 GMT

today was one of those days that reaffirms my belief that i generally hate people...

i like only a small handful of people that i have come in contact with in my life, if you look at the big picture... other than them... people suck.

oh, and my mom may have to get angeoplasty, or stinits put into her heart... that's the news i got to come home to... super. today sucks.

what i got for christmas...

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 16:29:04 GMT

from the brother who saved me from the side of the freeway: 70$

from mom and dad/santa: 100$ to express, slipper socks, 2 pairs of pj pants, a "layered" henely hoodie, overnight bag (what?), hand held tetris game. (in the stocking: tide pen, lint roller, panda beanie baby)

from William: tickets to see cirque on my birthday (my favorite present this year)

from Uncle Gary and Aunt Patti: 50$

from Heather and Josh: shot glass from seattle, margarita bar set

from Andrea and Sean: sterling silver necklace

from Des and Braden: hand carved soapstone box

from Uncle Glenn and Aunt Carol: sterling silver and opal cuff bracelet

my back is pretty messed up...

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 19:30:46 GMT

i went to a spinal clinic today for an evaluation. i saw my x-rays, and i'm not gonna lie... they were pretty intense. not only is my spine majorly curved at the bottom, it is also rotated to the right... maybe my spine has desires to look like a double helix... i don't know, all i know is that it doesn't look good. :( i also know, that back surgery is not in the cards, at least not right now... probably when i'm older... woo, something to look forward to. so, for now... my pain is going to be "managed" with ibuprofen, heat, and maybe a massage every once in a while. oh, and i need to get x-rays of my spine once a year to make sure it's not getting worse... so, basically... i paid 15$ for a doctor to tell me that there's nothing they can do. awesome.

christmas bells are riiiinging...somewhere else. not here.

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 19:08:29 GMT

i truely believe that if i hadn't put up the tree today (by myself) that we just wouldn't have done it at all this year. *sigh* i'm cold. and sad. and completely overwhelemed by my life right now. blah

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 23:16:52 GMT

Dear Santa...

let's not pretend here... i'm never a good girl, but if you so choose to drop down my chimeny and leave more than coal this year, here are some things i would like.

14K White Gold Genuine Heart Garnet and Diamond Celtic Claddagh Ring Size 7
from Amazon.com

15" mac book pro
from Apple

Canon EOS 40D
from...any camera store

mmmmmk, thanks

love,
shawna :D

crap

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 19:05:27 GMT

well, i went to the doctor today... my hips have been hurting me more than usual lately... i'm sure that has something to do with my extremely physically demanding job. she didn't really know what to say. i've already been through physical therapy for my back and my hips... once when i was 18, and once last year. it helped for a while... of course, i'm too lazy to actually DO the exercises that they gave me. anywho... my doctor ordered some x-rays of my hips and my back... yay radiation! apparently i have scoliosis. woo hoo. i don't know what this means, and i don't know what the next steps are... but i DO know that i'm not excited about it. the dr. said something about a back clinic, which sounds tedious and annoying... kind of like physical therapy. i personally wish i could just have it surgically fixed, not that surgery, or recovering from surgery sounds fun... but i figure it's gotta be better than being in pain all the time. ugh... this sucks

things are looking up...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 01:01:52 GMT

the world isn't so bad... now that i'm not in a horrible mood. i get to see most of my friends this weekend, which is awesome... including some i haven't seen in a long time. i just had a really good phone interview with a human resources rep from janie and jack... 45 mins! the next step is meeting with the store manager. (i've already spoken with the district manager.) wish me luck! :D *crosses fingers* i will hopefully be meeting with the store manager sometime next week. my life seems to be changing at a very rapid pace... it's a little scary, but they're all changes for the better, and i'm excited about it. all is well... things aren't great but they're getting better... and that feels good.

now all i need to do is secure this job... find a place to live and get school all in order. i'm terrified, but it's a wonderful kind of terrified.

"sorry" - Maria Mena

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 05:26:38 GMT

vague sound of rain,
pierces through my song again
but i get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so i let it burn.

i just poured my heart out,
there's bits of it on the floor
so i take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
and call him up for more.

and i say "baby, yes, i feel stupid to call you,
but i'm lonely.
and i don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me...
and i thought, maybe if i kiss the way you do,
you'd feel it too."

single...

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:44:43 GMT

being single really isn't all that bad. it gives me more time to devote to my friends, and figure out what the hell i'm going to do with the rest of my life. i have the freedom to go out and do whatever i want with whom ever i choose... if i want to go make out with a hot guy at a ber, i can... if i want to spent the night at a male friend's house, i can... and i won't get any kind of disapproving looks, or any feelings of guilt. there is a certain sense of freedom that goes along with it.

it only becomes difficult when you see other couples and how happy they are... i'll be the first to admit i feel a slight twinge of jealousy when i see a coupld walking hand in hand. or when i see a girl leaning her head on her love's shoulder, as if that single action makes everything that is wrong with the world melt away. two people, newly in love stopping on a street corner for a stolen kiss on a windy day.

it becomes difficult when you have someone that you deeply care about, and wish with all your heart that you could be the person that completes them... but you're not. when you come home from a rough day at work and want to do nothing but cuddle up next to someone you love and let your troubles melt away... or when you come home after having an amazing day and realize you really have no one to share it with. so maybe i spend too much of my time wishing that i had someone, when in all reality, i am completely fine, and capable of happiness all on my own... i'm just saying... it would be nice to have someone to share that happiness with. someone to share your achivements... and doubts and fears and troubles.

a friend of mine told me once a few months back that i'd be a lot happier if i just had a little more confidence. if i realized that i am an attractive person, and i am worth so much all on my own. i know these things... and i told him this. then he looked at me and said, so much so, that when rejection comes along, you're not phased by it? ...i'm not quite there yet.
i know that i am a pretty amazing person, and i'm make an awesome girlfriend. most days, i know that i am an attractive girl, but i just haven't gotten to that point where i can let rejection just roll off my back. i can't help but feel, for a while, like the ugliest person on the planet, even though i know that isn't true. so i get sad, and angry, and bitter sometimes... when i feel like everyone in the world has found someone special, except for me.
i miss being in love. it isn't something that i can't live without, but...it is something i don't want to live without.

i can't publicly post anything i want to say... so here's this...

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 23:30:56 GMT

1. Last cigarette:
this afternoon... around 1:30

2. Last beverage:
tecate

3. Last phone call:
lynn... stupid useless piece of crap

4.Last text message:
manuel

5. Last CD played:
joshua radin

6. Last bubble bath:
i don't even remember... mexico '05, maybe?

7. Last time you cried?
this morning

8. Last meal:
corn pops...gotta have my pops

SEVEN Have You’s
1. ?
what?

2. Have you ever been cheated on?
yes

3. Have you ever bought condoms?
yes

4. Have you ever fallen in love?
Yes

5. Have you ever lost someone?
Yes

6. Have you ever been depressed?
yes

7. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up?
yes

Name SIX things you did in the past three days
1. worked
2. slept
3. ate food
4. talked on aim to people
5. got over time
6. laundry

List SEVEN people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. shane
2. kate
3. william
4. sara
5. gessi
6. chad
7. ally...when she's talking to me

List THREE favorite colors
green, black, red

List TWO things you want to do before you die
1. have kids
2. own a home

SO FAR IN 07.....

Been to school-->
no

Made a new friend-->
yes

Fallen out of love -->
yeah... i'm pretty much over it now.

Laughed until you cried --->
haha... yeah

Went behind your parents back --->
no... there's no need

Met someone who changed your life --->
yeah

Gotten close to someone-->
yes

Found out who your true friends were--->
haha... wow

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……
1. Bush?
worst president EVER

2.Brittney spears?
sad

3. Do you prefer long walks or going to the movies?
long walks... you can't have deep meaningful conversations in the movie theater

4. Do you have a crush?
yeah, you could say that

5. Who is the best hugger that you know?
what?

6. Do you believe in love at first sight?
no, but i believe in lust at first sight

7. Is there something you want to tell someone?
fo sho

8. What brand of shirt are you wearing?
i'm wearing two. one is a concert tee from the steve miller concert, the other is my paul & joe shirt with thumb holes

9. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
i've already kissed almost all of them

10. Do you have “A thing” for anyone on your top friends?
nope

11. How many people are on your top friends?
12...i think

12. How many kids do you want to have?
2 or 3

13. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
eh...it's alright

14. Do you wanna change your name?
my last name... when i get married

15. What did you do for your last birthday?
the weekend before partied in san francisco, day before partied in san jose, week after partied in new york city

16. What time did you wake up today?
went to bed at about 8:00am...woke up around 11:45am

17. What were you doing at midnight last night?
smoking

18. Name something you CANNOT wait to do:
get my hair dyed

19. Last time you saw your dad?
this afternoon

20. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself?
my fear or failure

21. Which hand do you like better?
what? ... the right one i guess

22. What are you listening to right now?
my mom is watching dr. phil... please kill me

23. Have you ever talked to Tom?
no

24. Have you ever donated money to a good cause?
ive raised over 2500$ for AIDS Walk, and have also raised money for relay for life...and i donate to the Human Rights Campaign

25. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back
i think everyone is guilty of that

26. Least favorite month?
july... not sure why

27. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?
pajama pants

28. Coke or Pepsi?
pepsi

29. What’s the worst day of your life?
hard to say

30. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week?
yes

31. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world?
of course...

the other stuff that happened today...

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 07:01:06 GMT

my good friend gessi called this evening. she just got a new car! we celebrated with a few beers (she had hard cider), and we watched "kissing jessica stein". Robo came over for a few with his new puppy dino, who is ADOREABLE! this was all after i got super pissed at my parents because of school stuff and needing their info for the FAFSA, because i'm not old enough to file it on my own... which is fucking stupid. basically it leaves me with not being able to go to school for another 3 years... but i'm ready now... i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. i'm still pretty pissed about the situation. i have to see if there's another way. i can't wait 3 years... i don't want to wait 3 years...

i'm ready now. i have the motivation, the drive. i know what i want to do. and i'm not afraid to do it anymore... ok, so maybe i'm still a little scared... or a lot scared, but it isn't stopping me anymore... the only thing that's stopping me is them... and it fucking sucks. if anyone knows anything about getting financial aid for school without filing a FAFSA... please... let me know. as of now... i'm at a loss. but i'm not afraid anymore. and i have one person to thank for that... so thank you, you know who you are. you rock!

i've had a big day today

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 22:14:49 GMT

...considering it's only 3:00 in the afternoon...

breakfast with one of my favorite boys... a drink with shane, coffee with my beautiful kate.

breakfast was really good considering how small and ragged the little place was that we went to. it was really nice catching up with shane, talking about life, and how much we've grown up and changed in the past 3 years. i LOVE my kate and i have been missing her terribly.

going to take a tour of my possible future school on the 17th... then *hopefully* spending some quality time in the city with kate and her new boy jason. november is turning out to be not so bad so far... minus the work situation, of course.

not looking forward to black friday AT ALL! i am looking forward to getting my hair dyed next saturday, a big turkey dinner with my family, the so you think you can dance tour, and fall out boy at the end of the month.

happy to have gotten to spend some quality time with my favorite people this weekend. it made me feel not quite so lonely. thanks guys! love you all!

things i wish to aquire/accomplish within the next year...

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 19:50:31 GMT

- the secret lives of men and women
- speakers for my iPod
- more super long scarves (having short hair = me being cold)
- lomography camera and flash (for fun)
- more sweaters
- iPhone ...and switch from verizon to at&t
- a macbook and a wireless router
- a smaller desk
- purge my room of all of the useless crap
- a new home (preferably... in s.f. and i guess that means a roommate too.)
- go back to school get more credits (art history, photography...and i guess some g.e. too)
- zero debt (excluding my car)...this one may be difficult
- eat better
- get in better shape
- inspiration
- love

alright... i have 366 days (that's right, '08 is a leap year...) starting now... ready go.

i wrote last night.

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:21:13 GMT

it has been soooooo long since i've written anything (blogs not included). it's not my best work, but it's a start. it felt good. not exactly happy with the outcome, but it kind of got the juices flowing again...a little bit. i'm not going to post it, i thought about it but decided against it... because it kind of sucks, and it's a little too personal... but it's a start.

so, i got out...and nothing has changed.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 20:13:20 GMT

i still hate my job. today was just fantastic... one of my best friends is still not speaking to me. i still live at home and hate it. i still don't know what i want to do with my life.

i want to make things and be creative... but all my inspiration is gone. there are fleeting moments where the creativity i had back in high school comes to me... like a dream. but in a flash, it's gone. i miss dancing, and i miss painting. i miss writing. i just don't feel like i'm good at them anymore... there's nothing driving me to create. the last few dances i choreographed were crap. what happened to the girl who got numerous compliments on her solo two years ago. the person who took "red football" by senead oconner and turned it into raw emotion and left everyone speachless. damn that solo was good. probably the best i've ever danced anything... because i really felt it.

i feel isolated, and cold. i should have known that one weekend away wasn't going to change jack shit. i had fun. it was good seeing charleigh. i am never *driving* to san diego ever again though.

what happened to my inspiration? i admire those in my life who desire to create and have all of these amazing ideas. i've lost it all. i remember writing poems that made my AP english teacher cry... i remember dancing out everything i was feeling and leaving it there... bleeding on the floor. i feel like my emotions are stale, and stunted. i have had a 3 year long writer's block. i have an empty canvas and nothing to fill it with. what the hell happened to me? where did it all go? will i ever find it again?

i feel empty.

nothing...

nothing at all, except maybe...

a little lost.